If our child doesn’t want to listen to our advice

If our child doesn’t want to listen to our advice, then what they need now is something more than our rational suggestions.

What is it? I'm going to tell you in a moment. But first: it can be hard to resist insisting on feeding our advice to the kids, even though it's obvious they don't want it.

Why hard?

Because the same moment we are dealing with a whirlpool of our feelings in response to what we hear and see:

• He needs my help right away!

• He is uncontrollable!

• How is he/she actually gonna live with such reactions to life events?

• I’m a useless parent: failed to teach, to protect, to prevent…

• She is speaking my mother’s/ father’s words (that used to hurt me)!

• She/ he is always being rude! I can’t stand it! (I need to make him/her stop at any cost)

• How dare he leave and shut the door in front of me?!

• What am I gonna do if she shuts down now and I lose contact with her?

• I’m a bad mother/ father!

...and the list is endless.

(I’ve gone over every reaction that I personally know; however, if I dig more, I’ll probably find as many))

Easy (and hard at the same time)... Be understood, be heard and accepted with their actual feelings (no matter how childish or inappropriate they seem).

BUT! Our reaction itself doesn't matter as much as the extent to which we are aware of this very reaction and our ability to hop on that wave crest (instead of letting it swirl us).

Saw - got aware - saddled up - and it’s not in our view any more - now we can think, feel and respond to challenges freely.

Yes, our feelings can be that easy to handle: once we’ve seen and perceived it, it’s getting dissolved. 

It’s not filling us up any more. Now we are looking at it outside of us, as an observer and not an owner. 

We’ve caught it by the tail and pulled it out of its hole.

However, we do need some effort of our attention and willpower to make that one step from one role to another. Literally make a step.

We can see how we’re stepping out of a cloud of our panic or burning fire of our rage (but first we closely watch what exact image of an emotion we see inside).

Now instead of our automatic reaction we are free enough to respond to a child with empathy and acceptance…

By saying something like: “I hear you”/ “I know how hard it must be”/ “Do you want me to just stay here beside you?”

This way we are creating the space for their emotions, without trying to cut them out or replace them with our reactions...

Now finishing with what I started with:

If our child doesn’t want to listen to our advice, then what he needs now is something more than our rational suggestions.